The Marriage Mistake 90% of Wives Make and The 10-Step Guide to Overcome It

"We want our husbands to be women, and that's destroying our marriages." The coffee shop went silent. Three women stared at their friend who had just dropped this bombshell revelation mid-conversation about marriage struggles. What started as typical wife venting about husbands who don't communicate "properly" had suddenly shifted into uncomfortable territory. Because deep down, each woman knew she was right.

Meet Eileen Noyes, host of The Unsidelined Life podcast and author who has walked through the fire of marriage failure and emerged with hard-won wisdom. After 16 years in her first marriage that ended in divorce, followed by four years navigating the complexities of a blended family marriage with 15 children, Eileen has cracked the code on what actually transforms marriages. Her journey through control, submission, and healing has positioned her as a trusted voice for women ready to stop sabotaging their relationships and start building the marriages they actually want.

Eileen's latest revelation about wanting husbands to be women struck her during one of those marathon girlfriend sessions where women dissect every conversation, analyze every gesture, and expect their spouses to respond with the same emotional bandwidth they give each other. The problem? Men aren't wired that way, and expecting them to be is setting both partners up for frustration and failure.

The Coffee Shop Revelation That Changes Everything  

"We want our husbands to be women, and that's destroying our marriages." This was the realization Eileen came to after having several venting sessions with many of her girl friends — the same complaint over and over about a husband’s “inability” to communicate. Eileen’s "AHA" moment showed her that it wasn’t about the man’s inability to communicate; it was the unrealistic expectations of wives that needed to be challenged. Women consistently expect their husbands to offer the same type of consolation, lengthy discussions, and emotional support they receive from their female friends. They want their men to listen to long, detailed processing sessions with the same patience and engagement their girlfriends provide.

When husbands fail to meet these expectations, wives interpret this as a lack of care or attention rather than fundamental differences in how men and women operate. This expectation creates a cycle of disappointment and frustration that damages marriages at their foundation. Women feel unheard and unloved when their husbands don't respond like their girlfriends would. Men feel inadequate and eventually withdraw when they consistently fail to meet impossible standards. The result is two people living in the same house but speaking completely different emotional languages, neither understanding why their best efforts fall short.

The Hidden Control Patterns Destroying Your Connection  

Eileen's journey through two marriages revealed control patterns she never recognized in herself. Despite describing herself as naturally laid-back and mellow, she discovered subtle ways she tried to manipulate situations to get her desired outcomes. These patterns showed up as questioning her husband's decisions, expressing doubt about his choices, and managing situations behind the scenes to ensure things went her way.

The realization hit hardest when she understood how these behaviors affected her husband's confidence and willingness to lead. Questions like "Are you going to spend time with the kids today?" or "Are you going to stay late at work, AGAIN?" seemed innocent enough but carried underlying messages of doubt and disrespect. These seemingly harmless inquiries actually communicated distrust in his judgment and questioned his commitment to family priorities.

Control also manifests in expecting immediate responses to emotional conversations. Eileen would share her feelings and wait for her husband to process and respond in the moment, becoming frustrated when he needed time to think. This expectation placed unfair pressure on him to perform emotional labor in ways that didn't align with how men typically process information. Learning to say her piece and step back allowed her husband the space he needed to consider her concerns genuinely and respond thoughtfully.

 The 10-Step Guide That Transforms Marriages 

Through her healing journey and work with marriage coaches, Eileen discovered ten specific strategies that eliminated the constant friction in her marriage and created the connection she had been seeking. These aren't theoretical concepts but battle-tested approaches that produced measurable changes in her relationship dynamics. Here's exactly how to implement each one:  

 Step 1. Pray God's Word Over Your Husband Daily 

Instead of complaining about your husband's weaknesses to God, start declaring His truth over your spouse. Eileen discovered that when she focused on praying Scripture over her husband rather than highlighting his shortcomings, everything shifted. This practice changes your perspective first, then creates spiritual breakthrough in your marriage. Find verses about leadership, wisdom, and character, then speak them over him consistently.  

 Step 2. Magnify His Strengths Publicly 

Eileen admits she fell into the trap of highlighting her husband's weaknesses to her closest friends, especially feeling pressure in her second marriage. But this practice dishonors him and trains your brain to see his failures instead of his wins. Start intentionally speaking about his strengths when talking to others. Brag about what he does well instead of venting about what he doesn't.  

 Step 3. Say It Once With Feeling Statements 

This strategy revolutionized how Eileen communicated her emotions. Instead of processing endlessly and expecting immediate responses, she learned to express her feelings clearly once, then step back. Use "I feel" statements without blame or accusation, share your heart completely, then give him space to process without pressure for an instant reply.  

 Step 4. Set Him Up for Easy Wins 

Your husband is constantly looking for ways to make you happy, but he needs clear direction. Instead of hoping he'll read your mind or expecting him to just know what you need, ask for specific things he can easily accomplish. "Can you pray with me before you leave?" or "Can you read that verse to me?" These simple requests give him opportunities to succeed and feel needed.  

 Step 5. Celebrate Those Wins Enthusiastically 

When your husband does something you requested, celebrate it like he just won the lottery. Eileen learned that acknowledging and appreciating his efforts, even for small things, motivated him to look for more ways to serve her. Your enthusiastic response to his wins creates a positive cycle where he wants to do more things that make you happy.  

 Step 6. Let Him Process Without Pressure 

Men process information differently than women, and Eileen had to learn this the hard way. After sharing her feelings, she would wait expectantly for an immediate response, becoming frustrated when he needed time to think. Learning to say her piece and walk away gave her husband the mental space he needed to genuinely consider her concerns and respond thoughtfully.  

 Step 7. Look for Apologies in Actions 

This revelation changed everything for Eileen. Men don't apologize through words the way women expect - they apologize through actions. Instead of waiting for verbal acknowledgment when he's wrong, start looking for the ways he's trying to make it up to you through changed behavior, acts of service, or increased attention to your needs.  

 Step 8. Honor Him in Front of Your Children 

Even during conflicts or when addressing issues, maintain respect for your husband in front of the kids. This doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations, but it does mean speaking about him with honor and addressing problems privately first. Your children need to see their father respected, and your husband needs to feel supported even when you disagree.  

 Step 9. Keep Communication Short and Focused 

Eileen's husband would tell her "Can you process before you talk to me?" because men don't have the bandwidth for lengthy processing sessions. They describe it like having too many browser tabs open - overwhelming and impossible to follow. Process your thoughts first, then share the conclusion clearly and concisely.  

 Step 10. Join Him in Activities He Enjoys 

Men feel connected through side-by-side activities rather than face-to-face conversation. If your husband loves motorcycles, golf, or working in the garage, your presence during these activities fills his connection tank. You don't have to become an expert, but showing interest and participating occasionally communicates love in a language he understands.  

 Why These Steps Work When Everything Else Fails 

Each strategy addresses a specific area where women often unknowingly create tension in their marriages. The key lies not in perfecting all ten simultaneously but in consistently applying them while releasing the need to control outcomes. This approach shifts the entire marriage dynamic away from adversarial interactions toward genuine partnership. Eileen discovered that when she stopped trying to make her husband respond like her girlfriends and started honoring how he was actually designed, their marriage transformed completely.

Your Marriage Transformation Starts Today  

The journey toward marriage transformation begins with honest self-examination and willingness to focus on the one person you can actually control: yourself. This doesn't mean accepting responsibility for your spouse's choices or excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it means directing your energy toward areas where you have genuine influence and can create positive change.  

Start by noticing your own patterns throughout the next week. Pay attention to when you feel the urge to question your husband's decisions or manage situations behind the scenes. Observe whether your communication style includes blame or creates pressure for immediate responses. Consider whether past relationship wounds might be influencing your current reactions and expectations.  

Remember that transformation takes time and setbacks are normal parts of the journey. The goal isn't perfection but progress toward healthier patterns that create space for genuine connection. Your marriage has potential for renewal and growth, beginning with the courage to examine your own heart and take responsibility for positive change. The strategies that transformed Eileen's marriage can work for yours too, but only if you're willing to stop trying to turn your husband into your girlfriend and start appreciating the man God designed him to be.  

Ready to discover more about creating the marriage you actually want? Visit ladybellator.com to explore resources specifically designed for women ready to transform their relationships while honoring their calling as wives and mothers. Your journey toward a thriving marriage starts with the decision to go first in making positive changes. Join the wait list and immediately get Proverbs 31:10 as a preview, as well as each new chapter of Proverbs 31 - Lady Bellator Edition as it releases.

For more inspiring conversations about moving from the sidelines to center field in your life story, tune in to The Unsidelined Life podcast with Eileen Noyes. Each episode features real stories from women who have navigated the complex journey of balancing family, faith, and finding their own purpose. Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts and join a community of women who are ready to live the full life God created for them.

“She sets her heart upon a field and takes it as her own. She labors there to plant the living vines.”
— Proverbs 31:16 (TPT)