How One Woman's Journey Through Control and Healing Transformed Her Marriage
By Eileen Noyes
“She sets her heart upon a field and takes it as her own. She labors there to plant the living vines.”
— Proverbs 31:16 (TPT)
A Word from Eileen Noyes:
I used to think I was a quitter. I’d start a new side hustle, get excited… and eventually walk away from it.
But what I’ve come to see is that I wasn’t quitting—I WAS SEARCHING.
I was trying to find MY field… the one GOD created JUST FOR ME to cultivate.
When we understand our divine design—our gifts, our burdens, our lived experiences—we begin to see how God uses ALL OF IT to guide us toward OUR PURPOSE.
That’s the heart behind the newest Proverbs 31 - Lady Bellator Edition devotional.
Sis, you have a field too. And someone needs the fruit that only you can grow.
🌿 Ready to uncover it?
👉🏼 Join the wait list and immediately get Proverbs 31:10 as a preview, as well as each new chapter of Proverbs 31 - Lady Bellator Edition as it releases.
When Amber Bryant first entered the world of marriage coaching, she brought with her an unexpected background. With two decades of experience as a civil engineer, Amber had spent her career solving complex problems and managing intricate systems. What she didn't anticipate was how those same problem-solving skills would eventually lead her to help women navigate one of life's most challenging relationships: marriage.
Amber's transformation into a Rise Up Queens coach wasn't planned. After watching her husband return home completely changed following a Rise Up Kings event, she found herself facing an uncomfortable reality. While she had prayed for years for a husband who would lead their family, when he finally stepped into that role, she discovered something unsettling about herself. She was terrified of losing control. This revelation launched her own journey of healing and growth, eventually positioning her to guide other women through similar struggles.
The topic of control in marriage touches every relationship, yet it's rarely discussed openly. Many women find themselves caught in a cycle of managing, questioning, and micromanaging their spouse's decisions, often without realizing the damage this pattern creates. Through her work with clients like podcast host Eileen Noyes, Amber has witnessed firsthand how releasing the illusion of control can breathe new life into struggling marriages and exhausted women.
The Control Trap
The desire to control our environment stems from a deeply human need for safety and predictability. For many women, this manifests as an overwhelming sense of responsibility for every aspect of family life, decision-making, and even their husband's choices. What often begins as helpfulness gradually evolves into a pattern of questioning, second-guessing, and subtle (or not so subtle) manipulation designed to ensure outcomes align with their preferences.
This pattern becomes particularly entrenched when women have experienced significant life disruptions or betrayals. The brain, seeking to prevent future pain, develops elaborate systems of oversight and control. Every decision becomes a potential threat, every choice made without consultation feels like a rejection of partnership. The irony is that this very attempt to create safety often destroys the trust and connection that would actually provide the security being sought.
The exhaustion that comes with trying to manage another adult's choices is both mental and emotional. Women caught in this cycle often describe feeling like they're carrying the weight of the entire family's wellbeing on their shoulders. They become hypervigilant about potential problems, constantly scanning for signs that things might go wrong. This state of chronic alertness leaves little room for joy, rest, or genuine intimacy with their spouse.
Past Wounds, Present Struggles
Previous relationship trauma has a sneaky way of infiltrating new partnerships, often without conscious awareness. Women who have experienced betrayal, abandonment, or emotional neglect in past relationships may enter their next marriage with invisible armor designed to protect them from similar pain. This protection, while understandable, can create barriers that prevent the very connection they desperately want.
The challenge lies in how these protective mechanisms operate below the surface of conscious thought. A woman might logically understand that her current husband is different from her ex, yet still find herself reacting to situations as if the same threats exist. Small disagreements become evidence of impending abandonment. Minor disappointments trigger disproportionate responses rooted in old wounds rather than present realities.
Healing these deeper wounds requires more than surface-level behavior changes. It demands confronting the pain that was never fully processed, acknowledging the ways past experiences have shaped current expectations, and learning to differentiate between legitimate concerns and trauma responses. This work is often uncomfortable because it requires facing emotions that may have been suppressed for years, but it's essential for creating space for authentic intimacy to flourish.
Going First Matters
One of the most difficult concepts for many women to accept is the idea that transformation can begin with their own healing, regardless of their partner's willingness to change. The victim mentality whispers that happiness is dependent on external circumstances aligning perfectly, particularly when it comes to a spouse's behavior. This mindset creates a prison of waiting, where life improvement is perpetually delayed until someone else makes different choices.
The breakthrough often comes when women realize they have been given control over the one person they can actually influence: themselves. This recognition shifts the entire dynamic between powerlessness and empowerment. Instead of expending energy trying to change someone else, that same energy can be redirected toward personal growth, healing, and developing healthier relationship patterns.
When one person in a marriage begins doing their own work consistently, it creates ripple effects throughout the entire family system. Changes in communication style, emotional regulation, and response patterns naturally invite different behaviors from others. This doesn't guarantee specific outcomes, but it does create space for new possibilities to emerge. The most significant shift often occurs when women stop waiting for their husband to go first and instead model the kind of growth and healing they want to see in their relationship.
Strength in Surrender
Modern culture has created significant confusion around the concepts of submission and femininity, often portraying them as weakness or oppression. However, biblical femininity operates entirely differently - one that recognizes surrender as a position of strength rather than defeat. This perspective requires understanding the difference between being a doormat and choosing to trust God's design for marriage relationships.
True biblical submission isn't about becoming voiceless or allowing mistreatment. Instead, it involves learning to communicate needs and concerns in ways that invite partnership rather than demand compliance. This might include:
Expressing feelings without blame or accusation
Asking questions to understand rather than to interrogate
Offering input without insisting on specific outcomes
Trusting that God can work through both spouses to guide family decisions
Addressing genuine concerns through vulnerable conversation rather than manipulation
The transformation that occurs when women embrace this approach often surprises them. Rather than losing influence, they frequently discover they have more genuine impact on their marriage than ever before. Their husband feels respected and trusted, which naturally draws out his desire to consider her needs and perspectives. The relationship shifts toward true partnership rather than the adversarial dynamic that control creates.
This approach requires significant faith - faith that God's design actually works, faith that vulnerability won't be exploited, and faith that releasing control won't lead to chaos. For women who have been hurt before, this leap of faith feels enormous. Yet those who take this step often discover that surrendering the illusion of control opens the door to experiencing the genuine security and love they had been seeking all along.
Taking the First Step Toward Freedom
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, take heart in knowing that change is possible regardless of where your marriage currently stands. The journey toward healing and freedom begins with honest self-examination and a willingness to do your own work first. This doesn't mean accepting responsibility for your spouse's choices or excusing harmful behavior. Rather, it means focusing your energy on the areas where you actually have influence and control.
Consider starting with small steps: notice when you feel the urge to question your husband's decisions, pay attention to whether your communication includes blame or accusation, and begin exploring whether past wounds might be influencing your current reactions. Seek out resources, communities, or coaching that can provide guidance and support as you navigate this process.
Remember that transformation takes time, and setbacks are part of the journey. The goal isn't perfection but progress toward healthier patterns that create space for genuine connection and intimacy. Your marriage has the potential for renewal and growth, beginning with the courage to examine your own heart and take responsibility for your part in creating positive change.
Ready to discover more about living an Sidelined No More life? Visit ladybellator.com to explore Eileen's books and resources for women ready to step into their God-given purpose while honoring their calling as mothers and wives.
For more inspiring conversations about moving from the sidelines to center field in your life story, tune in to "The Unsidelined Life" podcast with Eileen Noyes. Each episode features real stories from women who have navigated the complex journey of balancing family, faith, and finding their own purpose. Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts and join a community of women who are ready to live the full life God created for them.
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