Breaking the Chains of Past Wounds with Eileen Noyes

Have you ever wondered why certain patterns keep showing up in your relationships? Why does trust seem so difficult, even when logically you know someone deserves it? In a vulnerable and powerful episode of The Unsidelined Life podcast, host Eileen Noyes tackles these questions head-on as she shares her personal journey toward emotional healing a decade after her divorce.

As a former NFL wife and current faith-driven speaker and author, Eileen brings a unique perspective to the conversation about emotional healing. Having navigated the high-profile world of professional sports marriages and later experiencing a painful divorce, she's spent years working through the aftermath while raising her children and rebuilding her life. Now remarried and leading a ministry focused on helping women live in the fullness of who God created them to be, Eileen opens up about her ongoing healing journey and the breakthroughs that continue to shape her life.

This episode serves as both personal testimony and a practical guide for anyone struggling with trust issues or emotional blockages. Through her vulnerability, Eileen showcases that healing isn't a one-time event but an ongoing process—even ten years after her greatest heartbreak. Let's explore the insights she shares about breaking free from the limiting beliefs that can keep us emotionally stuck.

Understanding the Subconscious Mind's Filtering System

The way we interpret everyday situations isn't as straightforward as we might think. Eileen explains that our brains function like filtering systems, processing new experiences through the lens of past events. Picture a horizontal line dividing your mind: above the line are positive experiences and messages you've received throughout life, while below are negative ones. When new situations arise, your brain automatically searches for similar past experiences to help you interpret what's happening.

This filtering system becomes problematic when the balance tips heavily toward negative experiences. If your subconscious mind has stored more negative than positive memories, it will naturally connect new situations to those negative reference points—even when the current circumstance might be neutral or positive. For Eileen, childhood experiences with friendships that ended abruptly or painfully created a subconscious belief that "all relationships eventually end in betrayal." This belief operated beneath her conscious awareness for decades, influencing how she approached relationships even when she didn't realize it.

The good news is that we can begin rebalancing this filtering system at any age. Eileen suggests a simple exercise of drawing a line on paper and listing positive experiences above it and negative ones below. This visual representation helps identify which side is more heavily populated and becomes the first step toward healing. For those with few positive reference points, intentionally creating new ones becomes crucial—particularly through studying Scripture and surrounding yourself with affirming truths that can begin establishing new, healthier filters for interpreting life.

Identifying Your Life Commandments and Landmines

Beyond the filtering system, Eileen introduces another powerful concept from her work with Life Skills International: the idea of "life commandments" or "landmines" that form during significant emotional events. These are core beliefs that develop in response to traumatic or impactful moments, especially during childhood when our critical thinking abilities aren't fully developed. These beliefs become subconscious operating principles that guide our behavior and emotional responses without our awareness.

For Eileen, a pattern emerged when she created a timeline of significant events in her life. Beginning with a painful friendship breakup in second grade, continuing through a severed relationship with a beloved coach in college, and culminating in her divorce, she unconsciously developed the belief that "all men I trust will eventually betray me." This belief manifested in her current marriage as an unwillingness to fully invest emotionally—as she put it, "not putting stock in marriage anymore." Though she consciously knew her current husband was trustworthy, her subconscious mind continued operating from this damaging life commandment.

The breakthrough came when she was asked if there were any men in her life who hadn't betrayed her. Her sons, her brothers, the man who led her to the Lord, and other father-figures God put in her life. This realization allowed her to recognize the lie for what it was and begin dismantling it. Eileen encourages listeners to create their own timeline of significant events and identify the messages or "commandments" they internalized from those experiences. This awareness becomes the foundation for challenging and replacing these beliefs with healthier ones.

The Importance of Processing Suppressed Emotions

Perhaps the most surprising revelation for Eileen came during a recent women's retreat when she discovered emotions she had never allowed herself to feel. Despite being a decade past her divorce and believing she had forgiven all involved, she realized she had never permitted herself to experience the full range of anger and grief the situation warranted. As she puts it, she had gone into "soldier mode"—focusing on moving forward, choosing joy, and forgiving—without first acknowledging the depth of her hurt.

The Bible says "be angry but do not sin," acknowledging that anger itself isn't wrong when processed appropriately. At the retreat, Eileen finally allowed herself to physically express the emotions she had suppressed—sobbing, yelling (in a controlled environment), and verbally acknowledging all she had experienced and felt. This emotional release wasn't about harboring bitterness but about honestly confronting feelings that had been buried. The result was two days of cathartic tears followed by a genuine sense of release and freedom she hadn't experienced before.

This suppression of emotion had manifested in unexpected ways in her current marriage. Eileen describes how quickly her emotional "shields" would activate during potential conflicts with her husband—visualizing it like Thor's armor instantly covering his body in Marvel movies. This automatic protection mechanism, while understandable, prevented genuine emotional intimacy. By acknowledging and processing long-suppressed feelings, she found herself more capable of remaining emotionally present rather than immediately defaulting to self-protection. This breakthrough demonstrates how unprocessed emotions don't simply disappear—they redirect into other aspects of our lives until properly addressed.

Creating a Path to Healing for Yourself and Others

Throughout the episode, Eileen balances her personal testimony with practical guidance for listeners seeking their own emotional healing. She emphasizes that healing takes time—noting that even ten years after her divorce, she's still uncovering areas that need attention. This perspective is especially important for those recently experiencing trauma or heartbreak who might feel pressure to "move on" quickly. True healing can't be rushed, and acknowledging this gives us permission to honor our own journey.

Eileen speaks directly to fellow NFL wives and others in high-profile relationships, encouraging them to prioritize their healing process before sharing their stories publicly. Having recently fielded requests from women wanting to share their experiences on her podcast, she recognized the potential harm in broadcasting stories still fresh with unprocessed emotion. Her guidance comes from a place of compassion rather than judgment—understanding that raw testimonies might contain elements of blame or bitterness that could hinder rather than help both the speaker and listeners.

The path toward healing includes specific tools Eileen recommends:

• Drawing a line with positive experiences above and negative below to identify imbalanced filtering

• Creating a personal timeline to identify key emotional events and resulting beliefs

• Asking yourself what messages or "life commandments" formed from significant experiences

• Finding evidence that contradicts negative beliefs you've accepted as truth

• Creating space to safely express and process suppressed emotions

• Speaking truth and affirming statements to rewire your thought patterns

• Seeking professional or ministry support through programs like Life Skills International

Freedom comes not from denying our wounds but from addressing them thoroughly so they no longer control our present relationships. As Eileen discovered, even strong faith and genuine forgiveness don't negate the need to honestly process our emotional experiences. True healing integrates all parts of our journey—the pain and the growth, the heartbreak and the hope.

Embracing Your Healing Journey

The journey toward emotional healing and freedom isn't a straight line but a winding path with unexpected turns and discoveries. Eileen's transparency about her own continuing process ten years after her greatest heartbreak offers both comfort and challenge to listeners. Comfort in knowing that healing happens in layers rather than all at once, and the challenge to keep pursuing wholeness rather than settling for emotional numbness or protection.

For many, especially those raised in environments that discouraged emotional expression, acknowledging feelings like anger, hurt, or grief can feel frightening or wrong. Eileen's experience reminds us that these emotions themselves aren't sinful—it's what we do with them that matters. Creating safe contexts to express and process them becomes essential to preventing them from emerging sideways through physical illness, relationship problems, or emotional walls.

Your healing journey is uniquely yours, but you don't have to walk it alone. Whether through trusted friends, professional counseling, faith-based programs like Life Skills, or women's retreats like the one Eileen attended, support makes all the difference. The freedom waiting on the other side—the ability to trust again, to remain emotionally present even when triggered, to form healthy relationships unhindered by past wounds—is worth every difficult step of the process.

Take Action Toward Your Healing Today

If Eileen's story resonates with you, consider this your invitation to begin or continue your own healing journey. Start where you are—whether that's acknowledging for the first time that past wounds are affecting your present relationships, or returning to healing work you may have set aside. Freedom awaits, not by ignoring your past but by addressing it with courage and compassion.

Begin with the exercises Eileen suggests: draw that line on paper and identify the balance of your mental filtering system. Create your timeline of significant events and the beliefs they fostered. Most importantly, give yourself permission to feel the emotions you may have been suppressing, whether through journaling, trusted conversation, or professional support. Remember that healing isn't selfish—it's the foundation that allows you to show up fully in all your relationships.

For those specifically in NFL or other high-profile relationships, consider connecting with Eileen's community, which she describes as "Women After God" (WAG), where "there are no retirements, no cuts, no trades." In this supportive environment, you can find others who understand your unique challenges and are committed to growth and healing. Wherever you are on your journey, take one step today toward the freedom that comes when we refuse to let past wounds dictate our present and future relationships.

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Ready to discover your purpose beyond the sidelines? 

Get Eileen's book "Sidelined No More: Helping Pro Athlete Wives Get Off the Bench to Live Out Their God-Given Purpose" at ladybellator.com/books